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"An eye for an eye will make the whole world blind" Mahatma Gandhi
The first tool in the NVR toolbox is the art of de-escalation. The famous motto that goes with this is the reversal of the popular saying ‘strike when the iron is hot’. In NVR, we avoid the ‘hot iron’ approach and ‘strike when the iron is cold’. The principle of planned delayed reactions is a core aspect of NVR. This is seen as key to the re-building of the parent-child relationship and re-establishing a strong sense of parental presence.
The original NVR model focused on types of escalation shown in the diagrams below. This model holds good for children with mainly externalising problems who will often get into battles with a parent.
Your child raises their voice, you raise your voice, your child shouts, you shout, your child shouts louder, you shout louder. The argument can end in violence on both sides.
A picture shows a child and parent in an argument at the bottom of a flight of stairs. As the arguments escalates it shows them higher and higher up the stairs.
Your child shouts and demands. after a while you give in and let your child have their way. Your child learns that they get their way if they make enough fuss and will repeat this pattern as often as they can.
A picture shows a parent and child at the bottom of the stairs. As the child makes more fuss they go up the stairs until the parent gives in to their demand.
A diagram shows the horizontal parenting line with laissez-faire (permissive) at the left and strict (authoritarian) at the right. The centre portion of the line is green, there are amber sections to each side of the green section and the section at each end is red. In the red zone on the left is Giving-in Escalation and in the red section on the right is Joint Escalation.
A Legend reads: The positions of Giving-in Escalation and Joint escalation on the parent line.
Red: escalation zone
Amber: danger zone
Green safe (middle ground)
Parents/carers are asked to show a calm front on the outside (even though they could be simmering on the inside). The idea is not to meet fire with fire. Many parents think that not reacting in the heat of the moment is the same as 'letting the child get away with it'. This is not the case. In fact, when a parent gets caught up in an energetic argument, this actually takes the focus away from the child and onto the parent.
De-escalation is not easy, but with regular practice it does become easier. With practice, parents can learn not to react and to take appropriate action (e.g. stay silent or walk away). To help stay calm parents may think of an imaginary ‘shield’ to help protect them when the child makes hurtful comments. (More about The Shield or Parental Armour is introduced in the Active Resistance factsheet).
NVR focuses on the principle of planned delayed actions. After de-escalation, a series of NVR tools helps to address issues. These are introduced week-by-week.
is where a child will easily become fiery and is the common
form of escalation described above (more frequent in children with ‘externalising’
issues).
is where a child will exert control in a more indirect way, often by refusing to comply or threatening self harm or complaining of various ailments. Parents often describe a situation of ‘walking-on eggshells’ where they feel they have to tread very carefully, so as not to upset the child. This is more frequent in
children with ‘internalising’ issues.
At first de-escalation can feel like giving in. However, you will soon get used to the idea that you will be
taking planned delayed actions, instead of impulsive actions in the heat-of-the-moment. As more NVR
tools are introduced, week by week, you should feel a greater sense of control over yourself which then
paves the way for improvements in difficult relationships. With the concept of de-escalation, the parent
returns to the issues at a neutral time. However, over time, as one learns the art of greater self-control,
there may be occasions that a heated situation can be addressed while maintaining a ‘cold iron’ stance.
An image shows an iron which has been unplugged.
a simple formula explains that high escalation leads to low parental presence and low escalation is the first NVR step to increased parental presence.
These powerful gestures can only implemented when escalation has been substantially reduced.
These powerful acts of resistance and protests can only be implemented when escalation is low.
When we feel calmer, we are more able to look after ourselves. We cannot care well for ourselves or others when in ‘reptile mode’. (For a simple explanation of reptile mode see factsheet 1).
These are written statements to self and others. They
work best when we are able to think. We are more able to think, using the new brain, when we have more self control over our thoughts, feelings and actions.
There are some situations where immediate action is needed. The principle of delayed reaction should never override risk. For example, if your child goes missing, you would still call the police, not delay till
the morning. If your child threatens self harm, you would immediately try to make the environment as safe as possible.
De-escalation is useful in many aspects of life. It can be very helpful to de-escalate with teachers and other professionals, as well as in work situations. As discussed, this does not mean giving in. It does
mean challenging in calm and polite ways, as best as one can, and delaying challenges when in ‘reptile mode’ (see Factsheet 1 for an explanation of reptile mode and the triune brain).
'Raise your words, not your voice.
It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder'
Rumi, 13th Century Persian Poet
Handy tip: Advice on ‘raising words’ can be found when we come to
