What are the baskets?
This is simply a way to prioritise issues so that problems can become more manageable and less overwhelming. There are 3 baskets and then a special fourth basket.
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"The issues felt less overwhelming and more manageable after the baskets exercise." (Parent, NVR course)
This is simply a way to prioritise issues so that problems can become more manageable and less overwhelming. There are 3 baskets and then a special fourth basket.
Issues that you will now ignore. These will be classified as MBI’s (minor-but-irritating). The vast majority of issues will go into this basket.
Important issues that you may work on but which are not the most serious. These are placed temporarily on hold.
One or two issues only. Always the most serious ones.
After categorising problematic issues into 3 baskets one can then move to the fourth basket. In this basket go things you like (or liked) about your child which have become lost or hidden overtime. This basket can increase in size, and usually does, during the NVR journey.
The rainbow basket emerged on our NVR programme some years ago when parents asked "What can we do to remember good things about our child?"
Parents are asked to write down a long list of the all the issues with the child that are concerning. They then divide them up into provisional categories. Facilitators will help with this and may suggest some re-classifications!
Then it’s time to consider the 4th (rainbow) basket. If helpful, parents may like to imagine a metaphorical magnifying glass to help ‘magnify’ positive behaviours or qualities that may have become lost or hidden from sight.
Until one gets used to this there can be some confusion about the large and small basket. Remember small issues go in the large basket and big issues go in the small basket!
Baskets help enormously with de-escalation, because you now have permission to ignore many of your child’s minor-but-irritating (MBI) behaviours!
Parental nagging, nitpicking and lectures all reduce parental presence. So screening out MBI's and placing in the large basket is very helpful. The fourth (rainbow) basket is excellent in rebuilding the lost parent-child relationship and steadily increase parental presence.
The rainbow basket links well with Reconnecting Gestures’s. All Reconnecting Gestures help this basket to grow in size over time.
It can be very helpful to work on your own rainbow basket – all the things you do well as a parent or carer, but may not recognise.
Experiments with medium basket issues can take place using resisting comments. Sometimes these can take place to 'rehearse' addressing difficult issues, before addressing small basket issues.
These are written statements that usually focus on issues in the small basket. Positive announcements (focusing on the child’s strengths) link well to the rainbow basket.
The baskets approach can be adapted for other relationship issues e.g. partners, ex-partners, relatives, colleagues, bosses etc
Hot chocolate at our local cafe
Mend bicycle
A key ring with his name and meaning
Allow his friend for a sleepover or suggest a sleepover
Play a board game
Watch your child playing sport
Help tidy their room
Watch his/her favourite TV programme together
Share an activity which the child enjoys
Give them a lift
Buy a magazine and put it on their bed
Spend extra time just listening to your child
Text a nice message
Send an e-card or card through the post
Leave messages for him around the house to find
Prepare a meal together
Buy favourite biscuits, dessert or dink
Cook their favourite meal
Spend individual time with them
Ask about her day
Remember to tell him/her "I love you"
Give praise for a task well done
Say "sorry" if I have sounded irritable
A diagram can illustrate the way these NVR ideas work together.
A large triangle is made of 3 layers.
The base layer is NVR grounding tools: parental self-care and supporters, baskets and de-escalation.
The second layer is NVR core tools: Acts of resistance and reconciliation gestures.
The top layer is NVR advanced tools: Sit-ins and announcements.
From the base to apex on the left side of the triangle is Parental Presence
From the base to the apex on the right side of the triangle is Relationship Building