Active Resistance

(or Acts of Resistance) is the firm side of NVR. While Reconciliation Gestures (or Reconnecting gestures) emphasise connection, AR focuses on correction. Correction is replaced with term resistance because this fits with the ethos of the NVR programme.
When relationships have been difficult for some time, after de-escalation, we start with Reconciliation Gestures to help focus on re-building the relationship, with a focus on the rainbow basket. The overarching concept is ‘Connection before Correction’.

Acts of Resistance are very important when we focus on changes needed in the medium and small baskets. These baskets hold the moderate and severe issues.
Active Resistance, as the name implies, is an active stance of pre-prepared resisting actions and comments given at neutral times or ‘cold iron’ moments, whenever possible. The NVR motto encapsulates this approach: ‘Strike when the iron is cold’.

A diagram shows the Parent Line with 'Anything Goes' at the far left of the line and 'Super-strict' at the far right of the line.  The central circle has a set of scales in it.  The left pan says 'warm, friendly' and the right pan says 'demanding, firm'.  Under the left pan are reconciliation gestures and under the right pan are acts of resistance.  Reconciliation gestures are on the warm side, acts of resistance are on the firm side.

All acts of resistance ‘resist’ against the child / young person’s disconnection from the family, either with internalising issues (e.g. school refusal, not getting up, social withdrawal, screen addiction) or externalising issues (e.g. conduct and defiance, risk taking behaviour such as staying out late, not coming home or going missing). To help understand and work with Active Resistance we may categorise actions into three levels:- Low, medium and high (similar to Omer’s vigilant care distinctions of open attention, focused attention and protective action). Handy tip: For all of the following, Resisting Comments (see below) are very helpful!

A diagram shows a series of 4 oval shapes showing different modes of behaviour that your child may have.  To the left is written Internalising and to the right is written Externalising.  The oval closest to the left has the word Non co-operatives, then is Co-operators, next is Experimentors and then closest to the right is Risk-takers.  On the left side a circle encloses the words 'Acts of Resistance Against Disconnection for example school refusal, not getting up, social withdrawal etc'.  A circle on the right side encloses the words 'Acts of Resistance Against Defiance for example going missing, staying out late, defiance, conduct.'

Resisting Actions:

Lower level

After a long time of ‘walking on eggshells’ where parents feeling they have to give in to their child’s demands, parents learn to subtly change the pattern of the child’s controlling actions and the parent-as-servant syndrome. This is often called ‘parental disobedience’.
Examples:

• After making dinner, resisting taking the dinner to the child when he or she can come to get it.
• Moving away when child starts to argue.
• Child demands something – parent makes an excuse to go to toilet (to gain some thinking space about how to respond).

Medium level

This refers to more serious issues such school refusal, not coming off the computer, stealing from home, coming home late.
Examples:

• asking supporter to text child about going to school;
• carrying handbag at all times, to resist stealing;
• giving advance warning that the modem will be turned off at 10pm;
• texting to try to find young person after school, and / or contacting YP’s friend(s).

Higher level

‘‘When things are ok, I trust more & watch from afar; When I have doubts I supervise up close’. Haim Omer

This Privacy & Protection level is undoubtedly one of the more worrying areas to manage. Omer (2017) talks of the ‘privacy reflex’ which is an attitude where a young person’s right to privacy is seen as paramount. In NVR this ‘right’ is tempered by concerns about safety. When young people place themselves at risk, parents are encouraged to take protective non-escalatory action under the umbrella of active resistance to resist secrecy that moves into the danger zone. Often the tools of announcements and sit-ins help manage this area as well as statutory input (if needed).

Delayed AR may not be possible, or appropriate, at times when immediate protective action is required, but actions should still happen with an attitude of overt calmness (cold iron approach at hot moments) as best as one can, in difficult circumstances. In the following examples, an announcement outlining the resisting action may be written first.
Examples:

• 16 year old buys ticket for music festival. When parent discovers this, he also purchases a ticket & goes with the young person. While there, he discreetly says hello and makes his presence known to the child’s acquaintances.
• Mother follows 13 year old to the train station and stands in front of the doors to stop her getting on the train to meet someone she met on the internet. YP kicks her, but does not get on the train.
• With advance warning, parent removes game consol or modem from house to resist young person staying up all night ‘gaming’. Phone may still be available, in the short term, to reduce escalation and a supporter may be present, if possible as this usually helps avoid further escalation.
   

List of different resisting actions (from our NVR courses)

• When my son is swearing in the car I pull over and stop until his swearing stops and then i continue the journey
• If my son is being difficult in the car I resist getting into an argument and change the subject (this is also de-escalation)
• Say I'm too busy to do up child's buttons - when he is capable of doing the task - to help him become more independent
• Instead of cooking a meal every night of the week for my 18 and 29 year old children, I go out and leave them to cook their own meal occasionally
• Carry my handbag over my shoulder whenever I'm in the house, even when I'm washing up, to resist my child stealing my purse
• When my son is behaving badly, or in a controlling way, I resist responding to his behaviour and walk away/leave the room.
• If my daughter leaves the house (after a dispute), I follow her and resist her freedom to run away, this also establishes parental presence and keeps her safe.
• If there are 3 tasks to do to prepare for the next school day, for example, pack lunch, PE bag, Food Technology materials, I will only perform 2 and leave 1 for my child to do.  I resist being his servant and help his independence.
• Not always being available to take my 15 year old everywhere in the car.  Sometimes i say "Sorry, I need the car, you will have to catch the bus this time"

Resisting Comments

'Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can break hearts' Tim Minchin, musician

• There are 6 types of pre-planned resisting comments that address difficult issues i either the low, medium or higher active resistance areas.  The comments do challenge issues, but are also designed to carefully remove verbal attacks that can cause escalation, damage the child's self-esteem or increase risk-taking behaviour.
• A core component is the use of regular 'short and succinct' comments (using the 3 't's) instead of 'long and laborious' parental lectures.  Many of these types of comments can be written into 'Announcements' (factsheet 8)
• Resisting comments can be very useful but they should always be given with a mix of connecting comments and adhere to the 3-1 'connection before correction' strategy.  See handout Pre-planned Resisiting comments.

What to expect

In our children:

Attempts to escalate and push the parent into losing their composure.  We may employ an imaginary shield to help protect us from insults and the temptation to retaliate.  Please note that cooperation with bad attitude usually comes before cooperation with a better attitude. The parent should remain silent with the former and praise the latter (subtly or using delayed comments).
In ourselves:

As we shift from negative patterns to more assertive 'clean' actions & language our our outlook may change.  We can see a subtle change in our outlook, often in a 'two steps forward, one step back' way.  AR works best in the context of an increased support network.

Links to other NVR ideas:

De-escalation:

Remaining calm helps us to think about the use of AR.  It's very difficult to do 'clean criticism' when feeling angry or upset. Resisting comments offer ideas in ways that do not squash the child;s spirit.  They are most effective when given in neutral times (cold iron moments).

 Parental Presence:

AR strongly promotes Parental Presence, as children are more likely to hold our ideas in their mind when we correct (resist) in ways that do not attack them personally.

Baskets:

For AR we focus on the small basket and sometimes to medium one, often using an imaginary shield to protect us from any vicious verbal attacks and to stop any retaliation on our part.

Supporters and Self-care:

AR is such hard work that supporters become essential (no-one is an island).  Self-care is vital, we need energy to actively resist problematic attitudes and behaviours.

Announcements:

These written statements often focus on small basket issues.  They are powerful and parents/carers have to remain calm in the face of difficult reactions.  Interestingly announcements often lead to positive change, often after an initial negative reaction.

Sit-ins:

This advanced NVR tool often blends connection and corrections as well as improvements take place over time.  'Recovering Concersations' has become an important part of the sit-in approach on our NVR courses.

Siblings:

Siblings may often retaliate, either subtly or overtly.  AR's demonstrate to siblings that parents are managing issues in a more pro-active yet non-escalatory way.

Other uses:

Acts of resistance can also be used with adults e.g. partners, ex-partners, teachers, social workers, colleagues and bosses.
Reference: Parental Vigilant Care. Haim Omer (Ed). 2017