I expect this is one of the myriad of reasons that when, as an adult I found myself gripped by feelings of shame, worthlessness and intense anxiety, I was lured into anorexic behaviours, survival instincts turned in on themselves; at times exercising and controlling calories felt as vital as breathing.  

I had become ‘atypically anorexic'. This was my diagnosis.  

The diagnosis was a long time coming. A disordered way of thinking had crept up on me over many years and had reached the point where the world felt unliveable.  

My first meeting with an eating disorder specialist ended with her telling me I was 'anorexic'. How could I be? I ate. I ate lots.  

I later read the referral letter sent to my GP. The diagnosis was 'atypical anorexia'. Cue more confusion. What did 'atypical' mean? That I wasn't actually anorexic? I wasn't thin enough?   

Either way I couldn't carry on life as it was and proceeded with treatment. I saw a psychologist who I felt understood me and it transformed my life.  I never identified as 'recovered', I never stopped using exercise to feel okay. I did however emerge from the intense anguish that had held me captive. I returned to a healthy weight and became well enough to fall pregnant. 

This time when I went into eating disorder treatment my experience was not positive. I found my identity as a mother couldn't be accommodated. My psychologist could not comprehend my difficulty prioritising a strictly timed eating and record keeping schedule ahead of the needs, and screams, of my baby. I eventually stopped treatment feeling a failure, blamed, distressed at being at fault and no longer hopeful of a better way to live.

I know I am not alone in this experience. The physical and emotional upheaval of transitioning into motherhood creates a perfect storm for triggering eating disorders. 60% of people who experience anorexia relapse within 18 months postpartum. Meanwhile the prevailing narrative of eating disorders remains of a superficial illness affecting adolescent girls.  

I now make artwork about my experience of motherhood and mental health, the intensity, the trials, challenges, and failures. But also, the new opportunities for recovery brought about through my identity as ‘mummy’. In doing so I hope to raise the profile of maternal eating disorders and improve understanding. 

References

Knoph, C., Von Holle, A., Zerwas, S., Torgersen, L., Tambs, K., Stoltenberg, C., Bulik, C. M., & Reichborn-Kjennerud, T. (2013). Course and predictors of maternal eating disorders in the postpartum period. The International journal 

of eating disorders, 46(4), 355–368. https://doi.org/10.1002/eat.22088